Broken Beauty

So not a lot has happened over break except for commuting to Ripon every day to nanny since I don’t really have a place to stay there. My gas tank really likes sucking up a lot of my gas and money, but other than that it hasn’t been too bad…just tiring.

The reason I’m writing is to share some of my own good news despite the lack of support from my family for my sport: Cycling.  I was approached and offered to ride for a team this summer.  The same person also is sponsoring me through the team to race in Florida in February! I am stoked.  It’s a 12 hour endurance mountain bike race and I’ll be doing it as a duo.  It’s a lemans start which means you run about a quarter mile to your bikes which are positioned at the start line. I guess I’ll have to practice sprints and then hopping onto my bike and ride for 12 hours! Anyways, all my expenses are paid for like my flight and lodging.  Pretty cool…free weekend to Florida to race mountain bikes…any cyclists fantasy!

I’m also for sure going to North Carolina for spring break which will be awesome.  We’ll train on the roads in the mountains that entire week averaging between 50 to 100 miles of riding per day. Talk about saddle rash but it will be SO worth it.  I’m also going to plan on bringing my mountain bike as well so that I can ride the sweet trails they have in the mountains.

So there’s cycling highlights for February and March, then road season begins through April and my first WORS mountain bike race is May 1st and then I’ll be racing every weekend after that until collegiate mountain bike season starts. I love this. This is my life. I don’t have time for stupid games or foolish boys. Nothing can get into the way of my love and passion for cycling.

I’m happy when I’m on my bike. =]

So the past couple of days have been decent (without my family)!  I’ve gone on two dates now with the same guy and it’s been so nice to just be able to have a mature and interesting conversation with someone!  Plus he’s super handsome, mature, has a job, and a college degree!  Last night we went to northern Illinois for a cycling get-together with a few other cyclists from around the state…broadening my connections once again!  Had some wine and beers; just chilled and talked a lot about bikes and trails.  It was soo relaxing! 

Through all of my connections, I’ve been finding out about other teams, clubs, trips, and races to do around the states!  I think i even found my Spring Break Trip will be to North Carolina this year with the UW-Madison Cycling Team!  It would be a week-long training of riding in the mountains both road AND mountain!  AHHH it would be amazing to get to ride on some real mountains again since my time in California was cut short with my injury!

Speaking of injury-I’m healing quickly and quite nicely if I do say so myself…scar is so sick! B-)

I’ve also been XC Skate Skiing which is an excellent total body workout!  I’m keeping in shape by doing this and going on my new bike which is propped up on the trainer!  I’m just working on building my base endurance right now for racing and then as racing season (beginning of April) is here, I will do more and more high intensity training in my anaerobic phase!

Sorry for those of you who don’t have a CLUE about this, but it’s my new life now.  Take it or leave it, but it is what makes me HAPPY and that’s all that matters! :)

So this morning went well. I skied then I rode on my trainer. I felt great and happy with all the endorphins pumping.

Tonight it went from good to bad within the first half hour of being with the family.  The boys are in Chicago right now with their other grandma…they’re dad is there too.  He ended up getting into a fight with his sister so bad that the cops were called.  My poor little boys being exposed to it all again.  I will be driving to pick them up tomorrow.  No worries…I don’t care I don’t need to be around my “family” anymore. Not after tonight.

Christmas Eve with my Dad’s side of the family became a gossip fest on how my injuries are costing my family that they can’t pay for the car my sister crashed by “avoiding a deer.” Fucking bullshit how they can believe that.  She was proven to have drugs in her system if not alcohol. Or what about my alcoholic other sister who stole my identity?  Or my brother who’s a drug dealer and can’t get enough of the cocaine and pot that goes through his fingers.  My brother got in my face oevr something so stupid…my music being too loud from 1130-12 because I was on my trainer…when he plays his music with the bass on ALL day long and I hear is the thudding and shaking from it right above him in my room.  He plays that thing until 11pm when I work up the nerve to say something to him because I am trying to sleep.  Mine was mid-day and for only a half an hour…yet he can blow up in my face and threaten to get violent.  I guess he learned more of his violent actions in prison than actually learning something from his drug therapy sessions.  That’s just unfortunate. No one ever sticks up for me.  Tonight my family mentioned how now the boys are off in Chicago and there’s still no peace and quiet because i had my music on for what? a whole half hour?  Do they ever complain about my other siblings? NO.  Why is it always me?  Why does all the blame have to be put on me?  Yeah thanks. I’m the reject, the suck-up, the useless and worthless one.  Thanks. I get that already.  I’ve gotten that since I was about 4 years old and everyone was calling me the alien, adopted, the odd-ball.  I’ve gotten it my whole life.  What else is new? But thanks. I am so frustrated and fed up with it all! I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.  They take me for granted just like everyone else does.

Some days I really sit and pray to the Lord as to why he put me in this situation?  I am constantly being brought down, stomped on, ignored, and blamed for anything and everything.  It is too much to place on my shoulders…it was proven once before and where did it leave me? It led me right off a cliff headed toward rock bottom.  I just really need to permanently get out and away. I need to leave and never come back.

I guess it’s just my fault for still being alive. And I am truly and honestly sorry for that.

So I am pretty stoked. My stellar bike in now in my bedroom…on the trainer!  My training has already begun around 2pm today!  I love it.  Thank you Renee for the best Christmas present to yourself!  For once I put ME first and did something that I wanted.  I couldn’t be happier! 

My uncle is also taking me out skate skiing tomorrow morning and I am going to get my butt kicked…but it’s a GREAT workout!  He is always there supporting me and cheering me on! I love how he gets me into all the sports I most presently love and am obsessed with.  They’re addicting!

I had my date last night.  I went to see The Little Fockers with a very handsome and intelligent man.  I guess it went well because we’re already making plans to go out again!  Best part is he’s a cyclist AND skier too!  Best kind of men-into the training and NOT the alcohol!  I am really excited and for the first time in a while…I’m getting butterflies! I smile with every text he sends me.  My heart is just filled with glee.

It’s just been an overall wonderful day!  Aside from family problems, I am 110% content with my own interests.

I guess I could’ve seen this all coming anyways.  It took a long time for me to realize that I can no longer be the mediator.  I am DONE being taken advantage of by my family.  They all think they can just walk all over me and I’m finally coming to my senses.  I’ve been avoiding my house, sleeping at friend’s places, going to Ripon to chill…just about anything to get away.  It’s what I need to do for now until I find a better option.  Lucky for me, I am blessed with some very special people and a very kick@$$ bike to occupy my time! =]